“It does not matter how long you are spending on the earth, how much money you have gathered or how much attention you have received. It is the amount of positive vibration you have radiated in life that matters.”—Amit Ray (amazon)
“Stop comparing where you’re at with where everyone else is. It doesn’t move you farther ahead, improve your situation, or help you find peace. It just feeds your shame, fuels your feelings of inadequacy, and ultimately, it keeps you stuck. The reality is that there is no one correct path in life. Everyone has their own unique journey. A path that’s right for someone else won’t necessarily be a path that’s right for you. And that’s okay. Your journey isn’t right or wrong, or good or bad. It’s just different. Your life isn’t meant to look like anyone else’s because you aren’t like anyone else. You’re a person all your own with a unique set of goals, obstacles, dreams, and needs. So stop comparing, and start living.”—Daniell Koepke (via onlinecounsellingcollege)
So I’m on my way home from a lovely summer vacation with my family, and I realized I haven’t updated in awhile. So here goes…my life is amazing! No, really, this has been the best 18 months I’ve ever had! Getting sober changed my life in ways I never even considered and others I never thought to be possible.
Two years ago, I found myself in LA alone in a dark apartment that was the temperature of the sun. I had self-destructive thoughts and wanted nothing more than the earth to swallow me. My husband had just left me and my entire world had ended.
I got home and stumbled through life for a few weeks until I eventually found my way into recovery. I’d never considered that my problems were related to my alcohol use, but then again, most people don’t. The second I found recovery, I found a new life!
It is only has only been 18 months since I came into recovery and my life is in recognizable today from what it was before. When my husband left, I moved back in with my mom-it was humiliating. I was nearly 30, with 2 small children, unemployed and alone in my world. As far as I thought, my life was over. My ex was even so kind enough to say that I might find someone to love me but it’d be a miracle if I ever found someone who wanted a single parent as a partner. Not to mention, I was told not to have any other children by my doctors after several complications when I had my youngest. It made complete sense, who would want a girl with so much baggage that couldn’t even bear children?
Today, I am happy to report that I’ll be signing a lease this week on a 2 bedroom apartment with my “unofficial” fiancé, Josh. We are returning from a trip with my boys (whom he loves just as much, if not more than me) where we went to Disneyland-something I never thought I’d be able to do or afford. I just got offered a really great job and I’m looking forward to starting soon.
Josh and I are planning a March or April wedding next year and couldn’t be happier to announce that God has blessed us with a baby due in January!
I owe EVERYTHING that’s happened to me to my sobriety and God. Without being in recovery, I would’ve never met Josh (we met through a mutual friend in the rooms) and I wouldn’t be present in my life the way I am. Every day, I feel blessed to wake up and every night, I thank God for everything He’s given to me and my family.
There are still bad days, yes, but not like before. I’m off all anxiety and depression meds, suffer from no more chronic pain and pretty much every problem I had before has been solved using a spiritual solution.
I am so grateful for the gift of recovery-without it, I know for a fact, I would be dead or near death and NONE of this would be mine. I’d still be existing in a dark, never ending pit of madness and self pity. But I’m not. I LIVE (I don’t merely exist) in a beautiful world, filled with gratitude, compassion and love. I see miracles every day and even consider myself and my second chance at life a miracle-something I could’ve never accomplished on my own. For that, I am truly grateful.
If there was ever a doubt in my mind that Jed was abusive, it’s gone now. Even though he is married to someone else, he still makes it his priority to control me in every way that he can. The sad thing is, he uses our innocent children to do it.
Last night I watched “Girl, Interrupted” for the first time in quite a few years. When I first saw it, I saw myself in it. I swore up and down that I had borderline personality disorder and this was eventually confirmed by medical professionals. I just didn’t realize that there was hope for recovery. Being handed a diagnosis for borderline personality disorder pretty much wrecked me. I didn’t think there was a chance for a normal life ever. Now, nearly 5 years later, I can see that it isn’t true. And not only can I see it, I live it every day.
When I was first diagnosed, I figured that I would be doomed to a life of meds, anxiety, depression and a general miserable existence for the rest of my life. I’d wondered on many occasions why I’d failed miserably at the attempt to take my own life. I hated being alive and everything that came with it and I eventually saw that there was no way out so I started pretending to be someone else; someone with a happy, successful, useful life. I was married to a prominent attorney at the time and used that as my crutch for the next several years. I brought a bouncing baby boy into the world but nothing was making me happy. What the hell was wrong with me?
Throughout the years, I sought happiness through material possessions, friends, family, volunteer work, school and jobs that I probably quit entirely too soon. I found my place working in the entertainment industry and enjoyed the social aspect and not having to be the person I truly was (cuz no one in Hollywood is who they seem).
My downfall came during the summer of 2011. I was traveling on a Southwest tour with an independent musician. The tour was only scheduled to last around 10 days, if not less. It was the second day of tour and I received a call from my husband, “I want a divorce.” In that instant, my world crumbled. Only a few weeks earlier, I had been lounging in my wading pool with a cool drink in my hand thinking of how great my life was and now it was all over.
I don’t remember the majority of what happened after that but I do remember being miserable and drowning myself in alcohol and the Valium and various pain killers I’d been prescribed after the birth of my child. The months that followed are a blur. I think I was just numb to it all or in complete and utter denial that everything; my kids, my house, my financial stability, my friends and family-everything I’d achieved in the past 7 years was now under threat of being taken from me. It was too much for me to bear.
In January of 2012, an odd set of circumstances led me to a room of Alcoholics Anonymous.I heard my story in the stories of everyone else that night and afterwards, I picked up a book and went home to read it. The feeling I had after reading the book is indescribable! Here was my answer! But was I truly an alcoholic? At that point, I didn’t care…I saw others who had better lives than me and I was willing to give it a shot. I decided I’d do it for 30 days. After 30 days, I saw changes; changes in my thinking and changes in my feeling and it was incredible! All I’d had to do was quit drinking, read the book and go to meetings.
At 60 days, I obtained my first sponsor and after that, I began working The Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous (which I’ve come to see are around us in every day life). That was 14 months ago and I am not the same person I used to be. I rarely feel anxious or depressed. I have learned what my character defects are and how they impact others. I have learned how to deal with life on life’s terms and to not have expectations and that resentments are deadly. Most of all though, I have learned to love and be loved.
Back to “Girl, Interrupted”, I now believe that thanks to my work in Alcoholics Anonymous, that I am also a recovered borderline personality. It’s so hard to explain but I truly read some of the things I’d written before being in recovery and I don’t recognize the person that wrote them.This blog, itself is a testament to my recovery.
Now my goal is to grow in spiritual understanding because this is what I credit most for my recovery. I was never a big believer in God or Jesus or any of that but today I am a believer that SOMETHING is out there and that it’s got our backs. As long as I continue to seek it out, I will grow and as long as I grow, I will be free from the bondage of self and eventually become my Higher Self.
Today, my boyfriend and I began to learn about Buddhism. It was fascinating to see that these are the principles I’ve been wanting to live through my entire life. I’ve probably been a Buddhist my entire life, to be honest but just never known it. There are a lot of things in the Steps that I recognized in learning about Buddhism. Tonight we are going to a Buddhist Center to meditate and learn more. I’m excited about the next path in my journey to a Higher Self. I am grateful for all that Alcoholics Anonymous has given to me and everything that I’ve learned during these 14 months.
The journey has not always been easy but it has been amazing, to say the least! I have the greatest friends a girl could ask for, I am blessed with an amazing man that I get to share today with, I am present for my children, I laugh and I cry and I FEEL. I still go through hardships but I know that my God has a plan for them all and that there is a reason for everything. 5 years ago, if you’d asked me what I was grateful for-the list wouldn’t be much and it would be mainly material things now, my list is pretty infinite. I never thought I’d say this but I am truly blessed for the simple fact that I am ALIVE.
Hey Just wanted to offer my blog to you as someone who you may relate with. Hope you find some kind of comfort in reading it and knowing your not alone, I have only lost one person to Suicide my wife she was 32. I found her. It's a horrible thing, I understand you
Thank you. I’ve lost 8 people to suicide (including my dad, a close friend and a boyfriend) so I feel your pain. I am truly sorry for your loss-there is no other grief of this kind. I encourage you to connect with other survivors. It has been instrumental in my healing process. Take care and remember that through hope there is healing.